I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
These tits shall not be calmed
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