I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
