get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
