every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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