i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
