i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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