I wish my penis had an off switch
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize