hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
