I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
