I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Vodka?
Forever.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
