i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
