I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hippo gnu deer
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
