she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
