Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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