I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
