Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize