I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
