I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
