I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
