I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
