she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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