My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
