I wish I could punch you in the face.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
