Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
