Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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