We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
