Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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