Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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