i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize