take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
