Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
