Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Shame is for Republicans.
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