I think my fart just growled at me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
