I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
