I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
