He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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