Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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