I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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