Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I love having hate sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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