i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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