I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
