Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
