I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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