Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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