The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
