so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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