On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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