You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
