she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
