I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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