dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
