i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
