ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
