dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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