Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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