i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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