Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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