I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
